Santa didn't know if he should be worried or angry, and that made him angry.
Unbeknown to the world he had been outsourcing a lot of the production of Christmas gifts to low cost countries like China. The elves had not liked it. They had threatened to unionize and bring the whole operation to a halt. At a non-specified future date. December 24th was explicitly not mentioned, but one of the senior elves had said «ho, ho ho» in a menacing tone of voice. The memory made Santa shudder.
But the elves were not the problem. He had bought them off with fancy titles. CTO (Chief Transportation Officer) was easy. The next hundred or so, not so bad. But the rest of them had been a struggle. He was not particularly proud of D1C (Dispatch team 1 Coffee maker). But as they say, somebody has to make the coffee.
The problem was shipping. The pandemic had caused problems for everybody, and the shipping companies answered "Force Majeure" when asked what they intended to do about the inevitable delays. The problem was the sheer amount of goods. Whereas normal companies measured the goods in terms of containers, he measured them in terms of whole ships.
The CWO (Chief Whatever Officer, another not-so-inspired title) approached him apprehensively.
Santa sighed. He could smell trouble when it stared him in the face. Or something. Whatever.
"You remember the order for bootleg Lego bricks to the elves' Christmas party?" The elf looked miserable.
Ah, Santa thought. That shipment will also be delayed. He felt somewhat better at the idea of one thousand elves without a single Lego brick. They had made quite a fuss about it, and he had agreed to the Lego bricks to get them on board with the outsourcing. Titles are fine, but bricks are better. Apparently.
"There has been a terrible mix up. The order was for 20,000 bricks, and the shipping company was told to put them on the first ship with space to spare." He looked even more miserable. "Well. They didn't. They would not fit on the teddy bear boat. Not all of it. We only got 40,000 bricks. They just called, and asked us for a revised shipping schedule." He looked if possible even more miserable. "For 20 billion bricks."
Santa was livid. 20 billion bricks! They could not give them away (as Christmas gifts), as they were bound to be discovered as counterfeit. The ensuing litigation from the overlords at Lego would be unbearable. From a PR, economic and legal perspective. It could sink the entire operation!
Santa opened his mouth, about to scream at the elf.
But the elf got in first. "But all is not lost, sir. The GHWF came up with an idea." GHWF? though Santa. He could not remember that title. It sounded made up. Well. They all were.
The emboldened elf continued. "He proposed building our own custom containers, as the real ones are in short supply, by Lego. Superglued together. And then we can use the Reindeer Express to haul them here.
Santa closed his mouth, and sat down. He had not realized that he was on his way up, but the elves had a way of getting at you. Very conscientious and literal, devoid of humor and double entendres, but most of all incapable of getting the important part up front.
"Yes", the elf continued. "The CRO has done the calculation, and it works out. As long as we start right away." CRO, Santa mused. Surely that was the Chief Reindeer Officer? He almost smiled. In charge of getting rid of the muck, if he remembered correctly. The title came with a big office, and an even bigger shovel.
The elf came closer, and laid a sheet of paper in front of Santa. "Here is the proposed schedule."
R201 R202 R203 R204 R205 R206 R207 R208 R209 R210
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa/RE1 dep 0000 0030 0100 0130 0200 0230 0300 0330 0400 0430
Mega arr 0040 0110 0140 0210 0240 0310 0340 0410 0440 0510
Mega/RE2 dep 0110 0140 0210 0240 0310 0340 0410 0440 0510 0540
America arr 0155 0225 0255 0325 0355 0425 0455 0525 0555 0625
America/RE2 dep 0215 0245 0315 0345 0415 0445 0515 0545 0615 0645
Mega arr 0250 0320 0350 0420 0450 0520 0550 0620 0650 0720
Mega/RE1 dep 0330 0400 0430 0500 0530 0600 0630 0700 0730 0800
Santa arr 0425 0455 0525 0555 0625 0655 0725 0755 0825 0855
Santa/RE1 dep 0500 0530 0600 0630 0700 0730 0800 0830 0900 0930
R301 R302 R303 R304 R305 R306 R307 R308 R309 R310
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa/RE1 dep 0007' 0037' 0107' 0137' 0207' 0237' 0307' 0337' 0407' 0437'
Mega arr 0047' 0117' 0147' 0217' 0247' 0317' 0347' 0417' 0447' 0517'
Mega/RE3 dep 0117' 0147' 0217' 0247' 0317' 0347' 0417' 0447' 0517' 0547'
Africa arr 0158' 0228' 0258' 0328' 0358' 0428' 0458' 0528' 0558' 0628'
Africa/RE3 dep 0240 0310 0340 0410 0440 0510 0540 0610 0640 0710
Mega arr 0309 0339 0409 0439 0509 0539 0609 0639 0709 0739
Mega/RE1 dep 0330 0400 0430 0500 0530 0600 0630 0700 0730 0800
Santa arr 0425 0455 0525 0555 0625 0655 0725 0755 0825 0855
Santa/RE1 dep 0507' 0537' 0607' 0637' 0707' 0737' 0807' 0837' 0907' 0937'
R401 R402 R403 R404 R405 R406 R407 R408 R409
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa/RE1 dep 0015 0045 0115 0145 0215 0245 0315 0345 0415
Mega arr 0055 0125 0155 0225 0255 0325 0355 0425 0455
Mega/RE4 dep 0125 0155 0225 0255 0325 0355 0425 0455 0525
Asia arr 0137 0207 0237 0307 0337 0407 0437 0507 0537
Asia/RE4 dep 0210 0240 0310 0340 0410 0440 0510 0540 0610
Mega arr 0218 0248 0318 0348 0418 0448 0518 0548 0618
Mega/RE1 dep 0300 0330 0400 0430 0500 0530 0600 0630 0700
Santa arr 0355 0425 0455 0525 0555 0625 0655 0725 0755
Santa/RE1 dep 0445 0515 0545 0615 0645 0715 0745 0815 0845
R501 R502 R503 R504 R505 R506 R507 R508 R509 R510 R511 R512 R513
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa/RE1 dep 0022' 0052' 0122' 0152' 0222' 0252' 0322' 0352' 0422' 0452' 0522' 0552' 0622'
Mega arr 0102' 0132' 0202' 0232' 0302' 0332' 0402' 0432' 0502' 0532' 0602' 0632' 0702'
Mega/RE5 dep 0132' 0202' 0232' 0302' 0332' 0402' 0432' 0502' 0532' 0602' 0632' 0702' 0732'
Australia arr 0312' 0342' 0412' 0442' 0512' 0542' 0612' 0642' 0712' 0742' 0812' 0842' 0912'
Australia/RE5 dep 0340 0410 0440 0510 0540 0610 0640 0710 0740 0810 0840 0910 0940
Mega arr 0458 0528 0558 0628 0658 0728 0758 0828 0858 0928 0958 1028 1058
Mega/RE1 dep 0522' 0552' 0622' 0652' 0722' 0752' 0822' 0852' 0922' 0952' 1022' 1052' 1122'
Santa arr 0617' 0647' 0717' 0747' 0817' 0847' 0917' 0947' 1017' 1047' 1117' 1147' 1217'
Santa/RE1 dep 0652' 0722' 0752' 0822' 0852' 0922' 0952' 1022' 1052' 1122' 1152' 1222' 1252'
R200: Number of vehicles: 10
R300: Number of vehicles: 10
R400: Number of vehicles: 9
R500: Number of vehicles: 13
---------------------------------------
Total number of vehicles: 42
Santa looked at the paper. Then tried turning it upside down, to see if that would help. It didn't. The elf made a discreet cough. "As you can see, sir, the trick is to send some of the goods directly to the regional distribution centres."
Ah, yes. Santa thought. The battle of the A's. The first one should have been called A, the next one B, and so on. They never got past A. America, Asia, Australia and Africa.
"We have divided them into 5 routes, and they do one tour to a regional centre each, before coming here for maintenance and so on", the elf continued.
The elf pointed at the bottom of the paper. "We need 42 reindeer haulers, and we have 45 of them. So we even have some to spare, if - or when - things go haywire".
Haywire? Santa thought. The name Rudolph popped up, unbidden. "Rudolf?" he enquired. The elf looked smug. "He is on a top secret mission in the Bahamas, checking the best width/length ratio for surfboards..". The elf looked even smugger, if that is a word. "We forgot to equip him with a return ticket. He will enquire about it eventually, we think, but in the meantime - he is not here."
Clever man. Er, elf, thought Santa. Too clever, perhaps? A candidate for a future top secret mission to, somewhere? Santa filed the thought for later.
Santa pointed at the paper. "Very impressive. How did you manage this?" The elf brightened. "A guy in Norway has made a program for us, called networkplanner, written in Raku. We only have to pass it some data, and it will compute the rest for us. All by itself. (Note to the readers: The elf didn't really understand all the numbers on the paper, but the programmer had written a nice explanation for him. Not that he understood much of it, but it looked impressive.)
The elf seemed to read his mind, and continued. (Note to the readers: Santa worried about expenditures. No amount too little to worry about. The elves knew all about it, with the Lego incident fresh in memory.) "And he did it free of charge, as open source."
Amazing, Santa thought. Giving away valuable programs free of charge. Then he thought some more, about the spirit of Christmas, and his own role in giving away presents for free. The humans may have caught on, he thought. Perhaps we should send the guy some Lego bricks? Real ones, even.
Something did not add up.
Finally he got it. "And the Lego bricks?"
The elf looked smug again. "We need them all for the shipping containers. More than we got, actually, so we have to ship the used parts back to China from the distribution centres for reuse. So all of it, or at least 19,998 billion bricks will end up here. By Christmas."
He looked even smugger. Santa made a mental note to look it up. Smugger. More smug, perhaps?
He thought about the elves' Christmas party, and 19,998 billion bricks. It could put you out. It really could…
Then he had a thought. "Norway?", he said. "One of the countries squabbling about where I live?". "Quite so", the elf confirmed. "Finland is the other one". He leaned closer. "The CHO thinks it may be to keep warm. The squabbling, that is". Santa was fed up with titles, so did not ask what CHO meant. Wasn't it a shoe brand, or shop? Or was that Shoo? He looked at his own shoes, considering the expected new pair he would get from the elves at Christmas. They did not quite get it right, so he had to exchange them later on. Discreetly.
And Finland, of all the places. Santa was fed up with the cold, so had moved the whole operation to Spain centuries ago.
The Elf left. Santa chuckled, quite satisfied. Everything had a way of sorting itself out in the end.
Then he had a terrible thought. The invoice for the 20 billion Lego bricks!